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ARTICLES:
CenterVoice:
Marin Independent Journal
- Relationships Advice Column (Lifestyles Section):
CenterVoice
How to Solve "People Problems" in the
Office
by Gloria Fraser, L.C.S.W.
The people you work with
can be the most satisfying part of a job. They can also be the cause of
great frustration and stress. Whether you're a company executive or the
receptionist, you've probably been faced with difficult "people problems"
that you felt helpless to change.
However, I have found that
a single person in a work group can positively affect problematic relationships
by applying techniques used in family therapy. Through such methods, work-related
stress can be lessened.
The first step in overcoming
people problems is to fight the temptation to designate a "bad guy"
and "victim" in a given circumstance. Instead, look at the problems
as a repetitive pattern of actions and reactions, known as a "chain."
Such a chain might begin
when a supervisor makes a suggestion to an employee. Disagreeing with the
suggestion, the employee reacts defensively. The supervisor becomes insistent.
The employee agrees, but appears unconvinced. The supervisor finds the
instruction not followed and repeats the suggestion. The employee reacts
more defensively, and the chain begins again.
Who is the victim here?
The supervisor may feel victimized by the subordinate who does not follow
instructions. On the other hand, the employee may feel victimized by an
overly critical supervisor. Both are probably suffering. As the chain makes
a full circle, stress and tension increase, and suggestions become less
and less effective.
Either the supervisor or
the employee could break the chain by removing one link. For example, the
supervisor could change the pattern of interaction by re-wording the suggestion
in a more positive way. The employee could pursue further discussion of
the issue instead of agreeing with the suggestion, and then not following
it.
Effecting this kind of
change requires three conditions: identifying the pattern, planning a strategy
to interrupt the chain, and putting the plan into action.
In brief encounters, such
as with customers, there is less opportunity for planning. In these situations
it is useful to understand your own patterns. Realizing what types of people
make you angry or frustrated is the first step toward making these encounters
less stressful.
It is also important to
realize that what may appear to be a personality conflict can actually
be caused by organizational problems, such as unclear job responsibilities,
or authority and responsibility not fitting together. If the parties involved
recognize the organizational problem, they can work together on solutions.
Human relationships are
complex, and aversion to change is often strong. It takes planning and
courage to try something new. But the rewards are enormous for anyone who
takes the initiative to change relationships. Gloria Fraser has practiced
systems therapy for 25 years, counseling individuals, couples and groups
on relationship issues. She frequently holds lunch-hour seminars on "dealing
with Difficult People Problems at her Financial District office on Jackson
Street, corner of Montgomery. Call 397-6232 for information.
Marin
Independent Journal
RELATIONSHIPS
It's risky to tell all about an affair
by Gloria Fraser, L.C.S.W.
QUESTION: I just broke
off an affair with another man, and I'm agonizing over whether or not to
tell my husband. What should I do?
ANSWER: Gloria Fraser is
a [San Francisco] therapist who specializes in relationships, responds:
Your choice is a difficult
one. It takes a lot of courage to reveal an affair because the risks are
high, but so are the benefits.
Sort out your own feelings
about the affair and your purpose in telling your husband. If you tell
him, you run the risk that the relationship can't be repaired and may end.
Remaining silent could preserve the status quo, but you may be telling
him something he already knows, or may discover.
If you're feeling guilty
and hope to get forgiveness, you are bound to be disappointed at first.
An intense reaction should be expected. It will take time for your spouse
to process the information, so be prepared to hang in there for a while.
Since you have ended the
affair, I'm wondering if you're searching for a way to renew and improve
your relationship with your husband.
Since affairs are not only
about infidelity, but about deceit and dishonesty, truth is the most powerful
antidote. With truth, you begin a painful, emotional process which can
lead to an honest look at your relationship.
Both of you will certainly
have some tough times ahead, but this could be an opportunity to find satisfaction
that you have missed in your relationship.
"Relationships"
is a local advice column in the Lifestyles section of the Marin Independent
Journal.
Marin
Independent Journal
RELATIONSHIPS
Learn to fix causes of your anger
by Gloria Fraser, L.C.S.W.
QUESTION: I feel as though
I'm always angry and complaining with my husband. How can I be more mellow?
ANSWER: Gloria Fraser is
a [San Francisco] therapist who specializes in divorce mediation, couple
and family therapy. She responds:
Anger is an unpleasant
but important signal that something isn't working in your relationship.
Take a closer look at your anger to learn what needs fixing.
What happens before you
get angry? Since your anger is frequent, it's probably part of a pattern
that repeats itself in your relationship. Do you get ignored when you complain?
Are you feeling criticized or discounted. Are you being clear about your
needs?
How have you learned to
handle anger. Do you apologize? Back down? Say things you later regret?
Withdraw? Yell at the kids? Criticize yourself?
Map out the steps: What
you do, how your husband responds, what you do next, etc.
Once you have mapped out
the pattern, make a plan of what you can do differently. For example, speak
up more clearly about your needs, or don't back down when your husband
gets angry with you.
Express what you want in
a positive way, rather than criticizing the other person. Have compromises
or possible solutions in mind.
Above all, accept your
feelings. Don't look upon yourself as the bad and wrong for feeling angry.
The energy of anger can provide the power for you to make a positive change
for yourself.
"Relationships"
is a local advice column in the Lifestyles section of the Marin Independent
Journal.
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